My Broken Heart Of Gold

I sent this in a voice note to a girlfriend the other day:

"I haven't really told anyone, except Stacey yesterday morning and now you today, but I haven't really been talking about it with anyone, not because I'm embarrassed or anything, but because... I don't want to jinx it? God... superstition man, it's messed up! And also not to project into it, because I have a hard time reading him, although I feel like that's starting to change? So it's like, ok, ok, even if it doesn't turn into anything it's not... it's so weird, we think about it would be embarrassing if we told people and then it doesn't turn into anything. And it's like: No! Why is that embarrassing?

I'm getting to be playful and put my heart out there, and be excited about seeing his messages come through, and seeing him (although that's a little ways away) and talking about everything and nothing, discovering each other, our likes, dislikes, and about feeling excited for what may or may not be.

I was thinking about this this morning, how people end up being so guarded because they're afraid their heart will be broken. I want to get to his place where it's like: You know what? It doesn't matter. Yes, I'm enjoying this, and obviously I have a desire that it works out but I don't have an attachment to it. It's going to be what it's going to be and that's going to be perfect. And so with that I want to be like, Fuck it! I'm putting ME out there. Not playing games, and not only mirroring.

I just feel as if I've come to this place of 'yes my heart might get hurt again, but it will also be ok again. And no matter what it will be even more beautiful and perhaps it will have to open up to someone else in the future and that will also be beautiful. And so embracing that part instead of guarding my heart by not investing or opening up so that it doesn't get broken. Rather putting it out there so that I can fill the cracks with even more gold as they occur."

And I've been thinking so much about this conversation since. We do so much to avoid the pain of heartbreak. As Lord Alfred Tennyson wrote:
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

It sounds so romantic and simple in a quote like that, when it's honestly one of the most terrifying things to truly lean into deeply.

Sometimes the pain of heartbreak is so intense it feels as if there is no air left to breathe and the weight of it will crush us. Shattered into a million pieces, never to be completely whole again.

Most of us know that pain intimately, and are terrified of ever feeling it again.

I know. I've been there.

I started this walk down the road called love as a naive young woman. But in my twenties the naiveté was quickly transformed: Dating > Married > Divorce > Swung the pendulum so far into the guarded space that 'emotionally unavailable' only begins to describe the line I wouldn't cross.

I spent years healing, discovering who I was, learning, and realizing that I first needed to trust MYSELF with my own heart. I had never loved myself enough for my heart to be able to feel safe in my own being. How could I fall in love and expect someone else to cherish me, when I wasn't even holding my own heart as something to be treasured?

After finding my own centre and falling in love with my own heart, I've learned, ever so slowly how to open back up again. How to really let other people in, and learning how to be open in my expression of care and attraction. More than simple flirting and playing games, but learning what it feels like to be intimate in all ways from a centred place. And learning how to let go of expectation and enjoy the present moment.

Yes, there is still heart break. Just because I am in love with my heart hasn't meant that everyone else is. Or that choosing to be in a relationship together means it will be forever.

But the further I get on this part of the life journey, the more I want the depth of it. The realness of opening up, of allowing myself to be seen, to be expressed. Not only in my romantic relationships, but my friendships as well.
And, yes, the pain of loss in inevitable, whether it be rejection, life changes, death, etc.

But I can't help but feel playing it safe isn't going to lead to the level of fulfillment, expansion, experience and love I know is possible in this lifetime. And when it breaks, this heart of mine, I've imagined applying the Japanese practice of Kintsugi to my heart. (Kintsugi is the process of repairing ceramics with gold.) Making my heart ever more precious through the experiences I've collected, the love I've shared and the support I have from those around me.

So I come back to Lord Tennyson's quote and think, he's right.

I have no choice but to love deeply, fully, without inhibition... and hope that the impact of that is life changing.

For me and everyone around me.

♥️🌹